WHY I DESERVE A BAILOUT

This is too funny. It's from Rick Newman at U.S. News & World Report. I've cut the article, but you can read the entire piece here.

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"WHY I DESERVE A BAILOUT"
December 17, 2008 08:44 AM ET | Rick Newman | Permanent Link | Print

To: Henry Paulson, Bailout Decider, U.S. Treasury

CC: Ben Bernanke, Bailout Buddha, Federal Reserve

CC: Tim Geithner, Bailout Inheritor, Obama Administration

CC: Santa Claus, just in case

Dear Sirs: Please be advised that I am changing my status from ordinary American consumer (OAC) to bank-holding company (BHC) in order to qualify for funds from the government’s Troubled Assets Relief Program. Since I couldn’t find the official application form, I’ve listed my qualifications below:

1. I qualify as a bank-holding company for the following reasons:

My balance sheet is a wreck.

I have posted a sign in front of my house that says “Newman Bank.”

I don’t actually lend money to anybody.

I can certify that I do not employ any unionized workers, only an illegal immigrant, occasionally. And I make her dress nice.

2. I have troubled assets. To wit:

My home. I suspect that other people in my neighborhood have received some kind of mortgage relief, even though I haven’t. This troubles me. If they've gotten something free from the government, then I should, too.

My car. I have a car loan and if I refuse to repay it, the bank will seize my car. Thus my car qualifies as a collateralized debt obligation (CDO) and is therefore eligible for relief under the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008 (EESA), specifically, the well-known “Citigroup provision,” which stipulates that if I say so, you have to believe me.

My 401(k). The trouble is, it’s hard to call it an asset anymore.

. . . Without bailout funds, I will be forced to make irrational decisions that will irreparably harm the economy.

This is no time to quibble over a few million dollars. It’s a time to show leadership and act. So come on, give me some money.

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Again, you can see the entire article here.

- Mark