BILL MAHER'S "NEW RULE(S)" ...

New Rule: Stop saying that we've overcome racism just because we've found a qualified black man and elected him president. Everybody knows we won't have true equality until we elect a dumb, unqualified black man.


New Rule: When you say you're not comparing someone to Hitler, you're comparing them to Hitler. This week, a Georgia congressman said, "I'm not comparing Obama to Adolf Hitler. What I'm saying is there's the potential of going down that road." Well, Congressman, I'm not comparing your head to a butt-plug, but it does seem to spend a lot of time up your ass.

New Rule: Stop calling it "Scotch" tape. I ate a whole roll; I didn't even get tipsy.

New Rule: Hank Paulson must drop the $700 billion in bailout money from a plane and let everyone scramble for it on the ground. Sure, it'll be chaos, but at least this way we have a chance of getting our money back.

And, finally, New Rule: The rest of the world can go back to being completely jealous of America. Yes...our majority white country just freely elected a black president; something no other democracy has ever done. Take that, Canada! Where's your Nubian warrior president? Your head of state is a boring white dude named Stephen Harper. And mine is a kick-ass black ninja named Barack Hussein Obama!

- Mark